Drops of Love.

Yet again, i am at home and i have all the time this universe has to offer. I think i should take my mom there with me soon - so that i get all these useful time to do stuff that I wouldn't normally get the time to do - write blogs.

As life squeezes out even that last bit of juice, i tend to think on the funny side of it. I mean let's face it - i grew up as that insecure boy - who was always scared to say a thing to the other guy 'cause i always knew that i had no one to support my family. Got myself eaten up in a rot where life was about being a pessimist with no hope. But now i realize that the small thoughts of how nothing was possible to spreading my arms around in the sky had one little difference - the difference was in my head. The difference was that, as i moved around to more unknown places around this world of mine - i realized that after all - it's not too bad and the planet has more places that i could roam than the lanes i feared to step in my neighborhood. The reason i can make out that difference so distinctly is because i can step into both the worlds as a courtesy of this visit.

But na na, i ain't comparing those two worlds. This post is about converting your adolescence into your teens. Well, when parents tell you to study - you usually feel it as a burden, atleast i did. Then there is this time, when i am craving to do new things at work - as if it's a playground i always wanted to be at. Then you talk about this band - well, you tend to think that you can touch the sky when you jump during your teens but then reality bites you and it brings you down. Same happened to me, but now i wish to see it fly again. Talk about flying and here we are boarding our first flight for a show together next week. I realize the value of all these because i started from nothing. But amidst all these, there's one thing that is still missing like it was missing in my teens - "Love" - like i got it and spilled it all over. Somehow, i feel in this whole process of fighting ways in life - i missed what is actually more important than any of these. No wonder that i shall spend another day tomorrow - as the world would celebrate Valentine's day!

These days when i walk on the street, i feel good, i feel positive for the things i could do and now i don't want to see where i come from - i just one to be one among the rest and walk ahead. This took sometime for me to start thinking about. If someone wants to advocate free thinking - my life may serve as a good example, how it can transform someone. However, in the process of making up for the time from my teens - i hope life gives me back what is more important to me than anything else. If you yearn for the same - don't loose out on the "Drops of Love".

Veronica!

Sitting on the porch last nite,
Holding my guitar and the notes of a lullaby.
I was making sketches in the air,
Drawing a picture of you - singing and listening to me tonite.

Is it someone again or you are the name,
That i have held everything for Veronica
You leave me unheard, i sound so absurd,
And I don't want to wake up to this life again.

I expected in real life
something that was more than a dream
Your shawdow casts a spell on me
and i thought it was the start of the spring.

Then came the end and i don't pretend,
My story just chose a new start
Waiting again, frowning the end,
stalking the moment that made us fall apart.

Now i wait for you under this lonely moon.
The sketch is still incomplete
But i know one stroke of affection
and i will stop our hopes to deceit.

Veronica, turn back see through the words.
Those Carry a bag with the pieces of my wishes.
In the end, I just smile again, '
'coz one day i will grow out of me from these ashes.

*Veronica, is still a little upset with me, but i am sure she will make both of us proud one day.
Disclaimer: If you thought you are Veronica, then you might just be right!

Vengeance.

Pretty Girl, you know a bit too much about you.

Behind your face you hide a story so obvious.

I can read your twisted letters they aren't so decieving.

After all, you are flesh and bones, a creation of the living.

Fight it on, mocking me as if i am on the other side

Fuel your thoughts better and know about yourself.

I am a reflection to haunt you, if not now then some other time.

I will be kind to leave, but not unless i get there.

So you try, with some other guy

I will rewind, to the place i started.

All your hopes will wait for another day

You had your chance, now it's your turn to pay.

Pretty girl, this beauty is not permanent.

As the makeups wash away with time, you don't turn naive.

You have shown me a side of me, that i hate to morph in.

Turn me to my alter self to find a heartbeat that skipped in vain.

I am the one and i am the only one is a bit overrated,

You know it's a big world that we live in to pleasure our senses

There are pictures that fit better than you in them,

Try to look out, don't live in within yourself.

So you try, with some other guy

I will rewind, to the place i started.

All your hopes will wait for another day

You had your chance, now it's your turn to pay.

The thoughts of the author are based on real life experiences...Any resemblance of any kind is more than just a coincidence. Read your credit if you can spot that.

Miles to go before i sleep

...It was the Autumn of 1998, a heart was filled with Joy and anticipation. It was this time every year, when the trees used to change colors, when the birds were heard singing notes clearly and of course it was the time when a boy waited to get gifts from his relatives in the form of new clothing. He loved wearing clothes and it was only this time of the year that he could afford them. Every time he saw one, he would just draw portraits of himself in the air and fit himself in one of those Bollywood movies, the songs of which were never as romantic as right now. He knew that it was a hard fought battle in a place where even the leafs of the tree won't fly unless the wind comes and blows them away. It was a place where excitement had a limited meaning, where the biggest achievement in everyone's life was to inherit a Job for the Indian Railways from their parents.

For some weird reason, he did not strike a good balance with his friends. He always had a different opinion about everything, he had different choices. Bourne with insecurity, he thought that people did not like him much because of his 'Good Boy Attitude'. No use of abusive words, no distasteful talks that would make his mother angry, he would just stay away from all the 'fun' that his friends liked to do. He was a cricket fanatic. The days when he could come to know of an Indian match, he will have a sleepless night imagining how his favorite southpaw Saurav Ganguly would perform. He was growing up at a place where dreams were limited to a height and was definitely not about touching the sky...but he believed...

Coming back to Autumn of 1998, he had bought the cassette of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. How so ever, he hated Shahrukh Khan movies and wanted Salman Khan to be the bigger star, he would not hesitate to admit that he liked the way SRK romanced women in his movies. For a brief moment he would just wish to be like him. The 4 Cinema halls showing movies a few years back were reduced to only 3 and they showed movies atleast a month after their release. It was not worth the wait and the cable television would keep showing the dated movies from time to time. This box that many people call an Idiot Box, was the source of information for him. It opened the whole world's panoramic view in front of him. He would just love watching it, skipping his syllabus, skipping his meals. It was only this Television which taught him that Kolkata was a BIG city, where expensive cars whizzed by the road. In this town, he could only spot a Maruti 800 rarely.

Financially, he could manage a video game from his mother as his birthday gift. He was very hesitant in asking her but everytime he did, he was never denied. He would feel guilty of it, because he knew that it was not easy for her to buy such expensive stuff for him. . He had a bitter taste of the society in his mouth already and just kept dreaming of a day when he would just flee with his mother...

Today it's 17th March 2011, i am back in Alipurduar. The place where i grew up. The premise of the story is left unchanged. The trees look lifeless, people still have the same dream job. The displacement they have during their days is just as much as a walk to the nearest tree trunk to take out a bundle of cards. Teenagers still have a lot of angst in them and think themselves as great warriors if they could beat up the other guy. The Cinema halls are now reduced to 2 and they hardly show any movies other than that in Bengali. The cars are more visible, we see a Santro often. However, at night the only thing that breaks the silence of the darkness around is a whistle of a train. No one has moved in their lives, they look content, they look happy. I feel guilty that i am still not totally successful in my dream of taking my mom out of this place. She sleeps after a tiring days' of work with the television set on, if it was not for me, i wonder when she wakes up to turn it off on the other days. I want this to end badly. After 11 years since i left this place, i really cannot recognize myself as one of them...When i realize that i am wrong - my heart gets filled with pride...I just hum the lines that read...Miles to go before i sleep....

Sailing where my mind takes me now...

It was in the year 2001 when i realized for the first time that i should have a dream in my life...I wanted to sing...I remember the song - It's my life by Bon Jovi at that time and how i would visualize the video while taking the buses from Alipurduar to Coochbehar where i was studying in high school...The whole idea of a band came with our first performance on the annual day on 21st of April 2001 - Five of us on stage and No Matter What by Boyzone on the playlist...Little did i know that boy bands were cheesy back then...But that day did mark the start of day dreaming under the sun...Scrobling my thoughts down on a piece of paper as there were no laptops or computers back in those days...Capturing every bit of my imagination...Some of them could have actually lead to a homicide if read in detail.

I had no idea about what engineering is...until someone told me that i should go for IIT JEE(I refuse to take anybody's name in this post)...There was no reason for giving IIT, if it was not for music...I still cannot correlate the two things...Anyway...I don't regret my decision till today...Actually Engineering suited me...the engineering college..even more...from being a small town and an unknown face in the crowd to a popular name in college...It felt good when they gave me that watch...I must say, i have done well in my studies throughout my life other than the biggest setback i had during my class Xth board exams even after doing great in my pre-tests...Don't know what went wrong there...It just took away the confidence from my life for the next 3 years...

I was never a guy to boast about myself...I realized soon that in this world the fight is to become a good human being and networking with people is the best thing that can happen...I loved to talk and meet new people...Engineering got over and i got a job in Bangalore...Again little to the surprise of my destiny and without sparing a moment to connect the dots...I came here...Through out this whole time, my destiny was to become a musician...and i must say...i did not want to become a musician for myself...I wanted to play music to the world...I wanted people to hear me and only that could give me any pleasure...

The ship just sailed half sunk in water...Until, after 3 years and 7 months of being in Bangalore, i finally took a call about what i would want to do and how i would want to do....Sometimes the fight is so prolonged that you loose the sense of a comeback...rather comeback becomes an illusion...Today i know what can make me happy....I will keep playing music for the rest of my life and for that it is necessary that i take a break now...I am not hanging up my boots...I am just going into a hiatus...This time around, connecting the dots make a lot more sense because i just reversed my thought process...I have never been so determined ever...and i am sure i won't regret it.

Caught in the wrong Job

How many times did this thought cross your mind that – You are caught in a wrong job?

It’s funny how we all landed up where we are. It might be an easy guess that most of us are into what we are doing because it just happened to us. I might have been working my ass up into some other stuff given I did not have an engineering to do. 99% of the time you are either following the society or you are following your fate.

It aptly means that your interest towards doing what you are doing will die a slow death or you would be mostly bored at work like me.

I wonder what stops us from taking that step towards doing something that we really like to do. I guess the word is Courage. It’s hard to be a rebel in this world where everything is prototyped, where you are molded into a religion and mostly made a follower of some creed.

If we think a little then we would know that the rules of the society are made by arriving at an optimization that works the best for maintaining balance in the society. It is probably a set of rules which were made to give everyone a possession of their own. At the advent of the society – did we have a Hindu Follower, a muslim follower, a Jew, a Christian etc with each of them depicting their own theories of start of the universe? It doesn’t work that way – these are what you are made to think like. There are three important things by which every human being is controlled by that external body we call GOD…These are – Love and Lust. All the other feelings are derivatives of these two – be it sorrow or joy or anything else.

I have always been fascinated about knowing what happens to us when we die. But you see, this is a condition that can not be experienced unless it’s attained and neither can be copied from someone else’s– I wonder what science calls this state? From childhood, we have been made to think in shapes, boundaries, limits – so whatever we see around us – our brain always tries to confine it within a marked line. It maybe very analogous to think that the human brain functions like a computer program where if you input an infinite loop, it would have far widening implications that would create an imbalance in the system. Much like the same, our human brain has certain limitations and it is just not possible to go beyond it, but that also means that the reality is far widening then what we can think. We might be a part of a bigger ecosystem that we can’t figure out. Imagine the computer program. It only knows that there is a computer which contains many other computer programs inside it and everything is contained inside a PC analogous to what we call our UNIVERSE. This write up is evolving my thought process as I write further, probably for the good of it.

So now, imagine, what can a possible computer program do to sense a world which is beyond its existence. Cloud Computing? Interesting? Yes, the computer program can get to know about parallel Universes that exist by connecting through an external media called the Internet – which again is actually a computer program of its own. It’s funny how everything is recursive in life and everything eventually boils down to the state of singularity where everything was nothing but just ONE. But what happened to our quest to come out of the computer world and dive into a new world. I think by this time you have already figured out the problem of coming out of the Computer world – If the computer program comes out of the computer world then it would loose it’s identity of being a program. So the next thing to bother here is the change of states, but don’t worry, I won’t bother you much with that for this post atleast.

I think death is that phase where the change of state happens for a human being. This is the time when you go into a different dimension and loose your existing one. There are no rules followed as the ones that are followed in the existing world – a new beginning happens.

Now you would wonder how to co-relate the start of the post to where it went and where it is right now. I guess, the purpose of change of states is not an easy concept after allJ.

...Life moves on...

It's a mixed bag of emotions as i count the last remaining days with my first company - Wipro Technologies, Bangalore. I must confess that it has been one of the toughest decisions of my life to leave this organization and pursue an opportunity outside. When i look back - I probably don't see a grief or any sign of remorse...All i see are some unforgettable moments and memoirs that this company has given me for the past 3 years and 5 months.

23rd July 2007, a bunch of 10 people from HIT were given a joining under the header of Magnum Opus. 31st of July 2007 - we were deported to Bangalore and our 3 months mandatory training was waived off because we had done a project with the company during our final semester. Yes indeed, it was like a feeling of a Chosen One - but probably not for long. We had a 15 day extensive Java training - there were many names but one which stuck with me for all these years was definitely Anoop. We were assigned projects by 19th August 2007. I got lucky with the Nortel Networks account.

From that day till now - it has been one heck of a ride. There were times when i just wanted to give up and there were times when i could enjoy an unparalleled feeling of happiness. My most enjoyable tenure work wise was with the GNPS issues that i got a chance to resolve. These were challenging and also gave me the perfect blend to learn and get exposed to the world. I learned to interact with people who were not of our culture and felt being responsible. Yes, i would probably take Chethan Mangalore's name right at the beginning before anyone else who have supervised me for in my present organization. I think as a reportee the best joy is to see people having faith in you, Chethan did just that. It gave me whole new confidence in dealing with things in life. No prizes for guessing but he gave me the opportunity to travel outside my home country too. Gaurav has been my mentor from almost the start of my career and i still take his opinions on things which are related my professional career. Well not to mention the fun i have had in conducting games or participating in one to make the work place more happening.

Speaking of onsite, Canada was a life changing one for me. So many of them out there in Canada who just gave me the love that i honestly never expected. I feel proud to say that i was one of those of lucky ones who found home out of home and where people really wanted me to come back again. What can be more saddening than leaving a part of me there with the uncertainity that it maybe really long before i see them again...It was like India there, it was like college and i felt people around the world are no different than us or we are no different than them. One random line that probably means a lot more than JUST being a line is this - Shaiju K, you are the best manager (not just a people manager) i have worked with/seen so far in my life...not to mention about the opportunities that became reality because of you. I learned a lot from you and would always be in touch!

I was lucky enough to visit Canada for the second time and it just showed me how people can be really welcoming to you - if you really know how to talk and acknowledge. Personally it was a great achievement because i thought i broke a lot of myths about Indians - yeah Russell we do have stereotypes but then if they were not there - you would be unemployed right now.

Getting back to India - Ah! What should i say...So many friends in Wipro as i leave...maybe i should take a breather and take all of their names who would remain as buddies even outside the organization - Tej, Shrikant, Santhosh, Sandeep S, Shyami, Raka, Sony...and recently - Umesh, Sundeep, Jyoti, Usha, Shuhaibu, Krishna, Sristy, Priyanka, Sai, Aruna and so many of them...You know the secret of having so many friends is by treating each one of them specially...but the place where i met with these wonderful people is at Wipro. I should not skip to mention Mahesh and Kiran too - you guys are more than managers for people. Also, the one Bengali who gave me all the confidence and also who made me feel that i was special - Mr. Sabyasachi Malakar. Also it's a necessity to mention Selva's name who was my first mentor and is a wonderful guide even till date. Gautam - i don't hesitate to say this that you are the most underrated person i have ever met in terms of programming ability...I know you would achieve a lot. Savitha and Sangeetha will always remain like those two cute seniors whom i always loved getting my legs pulled by.

I know my days are numbered and it would be a long walk on the 20th of December out of the Wipro Campus. Many asked me the reason - why i wanted to quit and till this night - i don't have a specific reason. I did not hate my managers - i loved each one of them i worked with. I did not crib for onsites they came to me, i did not ask for band progression they happened...But i think we all need to move on in life to an uncertain world at some point of time - forgetting our fear...where it might just be a new beginning...

All my gratitude to Wipro Tech, i wish the organization - all the very best and the people working for it or who have worked for it. It's hard to say a goodbye but probably it's for a comeback....The earth is round and Well you never know!!!

Cheers!